Make your own free website on
Government Report (not really)

How To Survive the Zombie Menace


Section I: Close Encounters of the Zombie Kind

Section II: Long-term surviving.

Section III: Short-Term Surviving

Section IV: Zombies and You.

Section I: Close Encounters of the Zombie Kind

1. First, at the beginning of the crisis, the zombies will be few.

You may encounter one or two one morning while getting the paper.

There may be only one or two. You can:

A) Beat the zombie with the newspaper (if you have one handy), or

B) Grab a club of some sort if one is available and deliver one or more harsh blows to the ghoulís skull.

C)If you have a gun ready, shoot it in the head, immobilize the brain, this will kill the creature, and

D)You can run back into your house like a sissy and call the police

2. Second, as the crisis progresses, the zombiesí numbers will grow rapidly.

You may encounter a small crowd of about six to a dozen, or a whole mob of them, numbering anywhere from 30-60. To survive an encounter with large numbers of corpses in later confrantations, refer to the following:

A)Upon seeing a large mob of ghouls, RUN LIKE HELL.

B)If there is nowhere to run, find a car or house, and if you have found a car:

B1)Simply hide there until the mob passes.

B2)If the mob of corpses knows of your presence, hot-wire the car and drive away.

C)Seek shelter in a nearby house, where you should then proceed to call for help and board up the windows.

D)If you have a personal arsenal of guns and ammunition, and are either feeling crazy, or the crowd of ghouls seems to you to be controllable, open rapid fire, aim head-high, and allow intermissions in between firing to run away from the advancing creatures.

Section II: Long Term Surviving

1. When the crisis has overtaken most of the human race and put a stop to civilized society, the zombiesí numbers will be astonishing, not to mention frightening, and will be through the roof.

You will no doubt in your ongoing quest of survival run into armies of the dead that number from 100-up, usually. Big cities will be the most dangerous.

In order to survive the crisis at its worst, go by the following tips:

A)Use bombs and the like to get rid of a large army of the dead, if in an emergency situation.

B)Stay as far away from heavily-zombie-populated areas as possible, and if you have no choice, just be on the evasive from a large dead-army.

C)If you have run into a crowd this big, chances are you are in a major city. Put this to your use and hide in one of the many buildings (but be sure hideout is clear of any stray creatures). If there is no chance of any help coming, hide by day, and move on by night.

D)If you have a boat (definetely not a row boat) handy, or have found one, secure all the gasoline (find tanks, or siphon gas from tanks) in the area, and fill up the tank of the boat, and take along the reserve. With a boat (donít forget food), search for an island, any island at all, and hole up there as long as possible; the further away from the mainland, the better.

*Help is not coming. Donít sit around in a dangerous area for days praying for help. It will not come, as most of the population will have been decimated (let alone the PILOT population), and chanches are any other humans you encounter will probably have it worse than you and will not be able to help you.

Section III: Short-term Surviving.

1. When the crisis is just starting up, the zombie population will not be all that high, and you will still be living in your town, and martial law will have taken over. However, life will still be a struggle.

The problems will be zombies, of course, but thatís not all. Huge problems will also be immoral human civilians (i.e. robbers, bikers [see example one] and the like), and abusive military personel. To deal with all these problems:

A)Even though martial law will be in effect, there will still be stray zombies here and there. It is a good idea to keep weapons handy, and to board up windows, and to store plenty of food and water, and to be watching and listening to reports around the clock.

B)Head down to the gun store and buy a small arsenal of weapons before the storeís merchandise is bought out or the store is looted.

C)Try obtaining a Liscence to carry concealed weapons, this will keep you safe during outings to grocery stores, etc.

D)Martial Law will, on many occasions, abuse its power. If a soldier is doing this, be compliant and you may get off okay. If not, continue to be compliant, and you will eventually be let off for "good behaviour."

E)There will also be many cases of renegade humans. Remember to keep an eye out for not only zombies, but these renegades as well. If you are threatened by one on the street, remember, life is more important than the few bucks in your wallet. If one makes an attempt on your home, self-defense is advised, and start a "secret door knock" system, this will help protect you.

F)If you are sitting in your house, and from your window you see a zombie or zombies in the street, shoot them from your window. You will not only protect yourself and the neighborhood, but also aid the government in destroying the zombie population

Section IV: Zombies and You

A)Zombies will not talk.

B)Zombies canít be negotiated with.

C)If a zombie follows you around, it does not have a crush on you, so donít be flattered, run.

D)If you run into a zombie that was a family member, no time for a reunion. Brother Johnny doesnít want to play with you anymore....he just wants to eat you. In the words of Seth Gecko, "Fight now, Cry Later."

E)Zombies have no racial prefrences. If you are being chased by one, donít take it personaly.

F)Zombies are just plain bad news. Run away from it, or at least destroy it.

G)If you see the following politicians and Pop Culture Icons:

Bob Dole

Al Gore

Keith Richards

Marilyn Manson

Do not attack them. They may look, act and walk like zombies, but they are not zombies.

H)If you are driving around, and see a zombified friend of yours on the streets, do not wave.

I)We often associate night with monsters, and are afraid to go out at night during the zombie crisis. But in actuality, night is safer, because zombies are dumb, and cannot see you in the night. So, in a sense, daylight is more dangerous than night. But still, be careful, because sometimes you canít see them in the dark, either.

This concludes the survival guide.

Government Report: Public Service Report By: CIA Agent D. Walt